The rise of informal chat shows on commercial networks in Australia is alarming to say the least.
Where do I even start with this topic? How about I break it down into how many hours a day are wasted on these self-indulgent, cheap to produce, odes to claptrap all perpetrating the age-old mythos – “we’re here for you, the viewer, because we care”.
I didn’t even need to get to midday to see that the three major networks have already set aside over 10 hours of coma-inducing viewing.
Thanks, Networks, for trying to tell me what is important in the waking hours of every morning.
No, seriously, I really needed to hear what some random expert thinks about whether or not I should hit my non-existant kids or gently mollycoddle them into submission to my will with hugs and kind words of encouragement like “Don’t worry, that’s only the first cat you’ve set fire to.” or “You’re a good boy, you only hit that other boy with a hammer because he deserved it.”
This pre-paternal Paul is already having guilt trips about kids I’ll probably now never have thanks to some jerk being slapped on television for a 3-minute segment to attempt to regulate and condition your behaviour patterns.
This is where cash for comments comes into play – not so much the radio variety (I mean, let’s face it, who really bought Valvoline because John Laws knew what it meant? On that, what a fucking idiotic slogan. “Valvoline, you know what I mean.” Sorry, John, I don’t. It’s motor oil. I can’t do a heck of a lot except put it into my car. Unless that’s exactly what it means, I’m at a loss here.) – but the television talk show variety.
TV Producer: Hmm, I don’t think this story on mobile phones causing cancer has enough gravitas. Someone get me an expert!
Talent Agent: Hey, I’ve got this person who wrote a book about mobile phones.
TV Producer: Perfect! We’ll throw money at their face, give them airtime and plug their book about mobile phones.
Talent Agent: Done! Coincidentally, they’ve also written books about teenagers, violent children, petrol prices and terrorism.
By way of the job that I do, I’ve been subjected to more breakfast TV than what should be considered a lethal dose. As if the fact that people willingly espouse values akin to cultural gentrification under the guise of helpful ‘everyday’ advice wasn’t bad enough, some viewers actually take it on-board and accept what they’re being told, ultimately adapting to or making a eerily causal neurological link between their behaviour modification and the outcomes of such a thing – “If I don’t do ‘X’, then something bad will happen”.
Fuck.
That.
Noise.
My biggest issue with all of this is the lack of specificity. Show me one expert on a TV chat show, I’ve seen them all. Opening statements such as, “Studies suggest…” and defining clauses like, “It stands to reason…” or “Logic would surely suggest that…”
No, niet and non (for you Frenchies out there).
Studies suggest that most people being paid to say something are going to say whatever it is they’re being paid to say. How about instead of referencing some arbitrary study that you’ve decided to pervert the results of to support your claims, present the person who conducted the study (even if it’s a random dude holding a clipboard), the findings of the study, the limitations and when the study was actually conducted. Woo me with critical analysis, bitches.
It stands to reason that you would phrase a response to an already-loaded question to automatically agree with the bias that has already been presented in the report prior to your involvement and/or acknowledgement of your credentials.
Logic would surely suggest that you’re self-aware enough to know that you’re peddling absolute bullshit to the masses, but hey, what is it they say about there being no such thing as bad press? And I mean, in this tough economic climate, you wouldn’t exactly want to go pissing more money up against a wall for the sake of not informing malleable worrywart TV watchers about the dangers of, but not strictly limited to; the internet, social media, violent video games, preservatives in food, fat children, bored teenagers, petrol prices, cultural diversity, ADHD, paedophiles, the justice system, speed cameras, mobile phones, real estate prices, the cost of living, CEO pay and last but definitely not least – terrorism.
If I ran around randomly hitting 100 people with a stick, would this make me an expert in the field of hitting people with sticks? Surely some consideration for my amazing feat would have to allow for a measure of expertise to be placed alongside my name. It would make me a rampant arsehole as well, no doubt, but I’ll be Don Burke if I’m going to sit here and be subjected to every manner of self-propagating verbal diarrhoea derived from focus group results that consisted of nothing more than a marginalised Likert scale of “DO U LIKE DIS?” and “DO U HATE DIS?” because using ‘YES?’ or ‘NO!’ would seem like we weren’t actually asking for your opinion in the first place. Oh, wait.
I wonder how many people actually sit down and watch these programs to get their daily dose of Soma. The fact that one of these morning TV show hosts somehow won the Gold logie (I never thought I’d have to resort to using a Logie to justify my argument. I feel so dirty) means that at least a significant portion of the Aussie TV watching public must, unless Anonymous had anything to do with Logie voting… Just a theory.
There’s no sign of these shows ending, by the way, because they create opportunities for each network to shameless cross-promote their own material, break away from whatever is on the schedule should a breaking news story happen AND fill even more hours of television with advertorial slots so they don’t have to concern themselves with putting actual content on air. And some people wonder why it’s damn near impossible to get anything creative off the ground in this country.
Tomorrow’s rant… Freedom of Speech… Or maybe not.