So this story comes to you courtesy of ideas suggested by my friends last night. When I said to them, “Hey, guys. Give me some genres for my next mashup story.”
This is what I got…
Slutty Nun!
Christmas!
Pirates. No, BEAR Pirates.
While they’re not technically genres, I decided to give it a crack and this is what came out. My friends were also responsible for a few names of characters and the ship, so I am very grateful for their input.
Now, for all intents and purposes, this story is taking the piss. (Like you couldn’t tell, but some people need to be told these things, y’see)
How the Slutty Nun saved Christmas from the Bear Pirates
On a sunny Thursday afternoon, Sister Rosie Cheeks was tending to the garden. While trimming the hedges, she takes a long draw off her cigarette and holds the smoke in as she hears footsteps approaching.
Sister Travesty was in a panicked state. “Sister Cheeks, we’ve just heard that the Bear Pirates have stolen Christmas!”
Expelling the smoke from her nostrils, Rosie turns to Travesty and says, “On a Thursday? Bold. Do we know where they are?”
“Sister, what have we told you about smoking in the garden?”
“Listen, you come hustlin’ over here flapping your jaw about Christmas being stolen and NOW you’re gonna bust my balls about smoking again? You’re lucky I don’t put this out on your forehead.”
Rosie drops her cigarette and stomps it out with her 5 and ¼ inch heels.
“Now quit yapping and tell me where the Good Friday they took Christmas.”
The Bear Pirates were celebrating their capture with a flagon of honey ale and bark strips on their ship, The Salty Cave. Their leader, a brown bear by the name of Captain Bacontits, had hogtied Santa Claus and was kicking him around the deck like some sort of odd-shaped ball that never quite stops moving once you start rolling it.
“You won’t get away with this, Bacontits. Someone will rescue me, save Christmas and kick your hairy buttocks back to the open seas.” Santa said while coughing up candy canes.
Bacontits took a swig of ale and rested his foot on the side of Santa Clause’s bulbous head. “Santa, when are you going to realise that as long as I have this…” – Bacontits motions toward the big red box labelled ‘Christmas’ – “..I’ll be deciding who’s been naughty and nice.”
Rosie started loading up her motorcycle for the ride ahead. Guns, check. Whitesnake on 8-track, check. A small crowd had gathered, whispering amongst themselves about the outrageous scene playing out in front of their very eyes. An elder sister stepped forward. “Rosie, where do you suppose you’re going and what do you intend on doing?”
Rosie rolls her eyes and turns to her audience. “Before you jump the gun, Mother Superior, need I ask you whose side you’re on?” Audible tuts of disapproval ring out across the crowd.
“I’ve had just about enough of your insolence. He sees all, you know. He is not forgiving, especially to those who flaunt themselves the way you do.”
“Two things wrong with what you just said. The word ‘he’. Men are pigs by definition and if y’all want to live in servitude of the grandest pig of all, go right ahead.”
“Blasphemer! I expect 100 hail Marys and do not begin to think for a moment that your wickedness shall not go unpunished.”
“You know how much I love a good spanking, sister. While you’re fussing about, I’m going to save Christmas because actions are heard more often than prayers.”
The Salty Cave was having their weekly ‘dancing bear’ competition. Winner gets a bucket of fresh salmon. Copernicus had just finished his popular ‘salmon milkshake’ dance while Santa was looking on, bruised and battered.
Vaulting over the starboard side, Rosie delivers a flying kick to the side of Copernicus’ head, sending him sailing over port and into the ocean.
“What?! How did you even get here?” asks a clearly ruffled Bacontits.
“Faith.” She responds, while disposing two more shipmates.
“But you… You were retired!” as Bacontits retreats to the stern, watching his crew look like teddy bears having the stuffing kicked out of them in a variety of ways.
“Santa, with your skills o’ fight, won’t you come and slay tonight?” Rosie asks as she unleashes a series of precision bullets freeing the jolly fat man from his captors.
“But of course, my dear. Bacontits, prepare to have all 12 days of Christmas delivered to you, whoop-ass style.” as Santa begins manifesting miniature elves from his palms that explode on impact when thrown into a shower of baubles, sticky confetti and tinsel.
Fur is flying everywhere. Captain Bacontits is waiting for the fight to come to him, hoping that one of his minions will get a lucky strike in on one of his assailants.
After the underlings were dispatched by Santa and Rosie, they make their way toward Captain Bacontits. He begins to chuckle wryly.
“You really thought you’d be able to come onto The Salty Cave and steal back Christmas? It seems your forgot about my WAFFLE IRON HANDS! When I clap them together, I can squash any substance known, so you best watch your step, unless you want to be served with Maple syrup.”
“Bacontits, I got one thing to say to you. Santa Claus is coming… to kick your patootie!”
Santa throws 10 exploding elves directly into the ground as Rosie times her jump perfectly, the explosion propelling her into the air, then landing directly behind Bacontits. She leans up and whispers in his ear, “Got any eggs? This bacon’s about to be fried.” Right before she kicks him into the moon.
“Santa, are you OK?”
“Of course, my dear. I’m immortal. That’s why I cough up candy canes and my blood is made of raspberry jam. But thank you for saving me all the same. What should we do now?”
“We’re on a boat and we have Christmas. Let’s spread some joy around this earth.” She says, lighting a cigarette.
My favourite one yet!
The names were great. Especially the Salty Cave!
But can we get a better name for Bacontits? 😛
Thanks!
Thank Mladen and Aleks for the Salty Cave. Blame them for Bacontits. I didn’t have a problem with it, I just decided to go with absurd and run with it.
I hear their where other names thrown around as well 🙂 Good read Paul. Keep it up.
Thanks, man 🙂
And yes, all you mofos came up with all sorts of crazy stuff I could have used, haha.