The Tao of Four-Stance Kung Fu – Four-Toed Sloth

Two stances have been revealed.

The latest stance is probably the most difficult to master. It will require patience. So much patience, you may well die of it.

Or you will slip into a patience coma, and then become a coma patient and you shall be admitted into the patience coma patient ward.

Your concentration levels must exceed their current peak to properly use this stance.
Concentrated concentration, greater than orange juice.

Four-Toed Sloth Stance

It is often said that the best offence is defence. But sometimes the best offence and the best defence is neither. It is nothing.

Like the sloth, you will become devoid of all care. This will confuse your opponent. They won’t even know their own name. Or why they’re wearing pants. They won’t even know what pants are.

By tearing the fabric of their reality, you have defeated them. They will fall into a vortex of questions that cannot be answered.

“Why is ham?”
“Is this a question?”
“Was that a question?”
“Who is a question?”
“A question mark?”

If you encounter a branch, hang on it lazily.

Do so for at least several minutes to fully understand the mindset of the four-toed sloth.

Most sloth have two or three toes, but it is the fourth toe that makes all the difference. It allows you greater flexibility against your opponent. Because four-toed sloth do not exist in the real world, your opponent will not know how to engage with you.

And your fourth toe can also be used to open small cans of vegetables, drinks or jars of salsa.

Learn how to replicate the sullen-eyed stare of the sloth, for your foe will take pity on you, pat you on the head and walk away.

Victory is yours.

You will move at a blistering foot speed of 13 feet per minute and sleep 10 hours a day. These two facts alone mean that enemies are unlikely to encounter you because you will either be asleep, or moving at such a pace that they will feel overwhelmed.

 The level of concentration and patience will be so high that it will seem that you are, in fact, very lazy. So lazy, in fact, that you will start to mould over and form algae on your skin, further enhancing your defensive qualities.

Combine this with your ability to hang from branches.

Who would dare mess with this?

Everything about that position cannot be defeated. You are hanging above your opponent. You seem calm and relaxed. Your glare is sad and wistful. Your algae will be stinky and green, providing you with cover in foliage. Your weapons are on display – toes/claws and your arsehole. Enemies won’t even consider facing you, lest they want to end up with a face full of claw. Or sloth arse.

You must learn to move without using your legs anymore should you wish to fully understand what it is like to be a four-toed sloth.

The best preparation is no preparation.

Lay flat on your stomach with your arms relaxed and by your side. Now, start moving forward without using your legs. You cannot use both arms at once, you must use each arm independently.

Drag yourself forward with 30-second intervals. Take your time.

Napping is allowed – nay – encouraged.

Reflect upon the purpose of the sloth and it’s its thoughts and feelings about life, love and the films of Leonardio DiCaprio. (ed: Thanks, Nat!)

Generally speaking, sloths watch a lot of movies. It is then reasonable to assume that they have watched many Leonardo DiCaprio films. Surely for every ‘Shutter Island’ they must understand that there is one ‘The Man in the Iron Mask’.

While I am writing these words, I am actually working on my focus levels for Four-Toed Sloth stance. The reason for this is because I started writing this 12 days ago, and I’ve been coming back in bits and pieces and adding slightly more text, because my concentration levels are SO high that is borders on being lazy.

Your indifference toward combat shall be legendary. However, only a fool would push you towards actually having to do something. The reason for this is simple – their patience would somehow have to surpass yours, which is nigh on impossible.

Your enemies will use every trick in the book to try and draw out the manic animal that resides within you. Do not give in to their incessant pestering.

They will poke you.

They will prod you.

They’ll say mean things about your sister.

They’ll even go as far to say that ‘The Godfather: Part III’ is the greatest film in the trilogy. That one will be particularly trying.

You must not wash. Washing removes your algae and gives your coat shine. You must resist, even if you’re worth it.

The ideal position for training can be seen below.

You are untouchable during practice. No-one will dare try to do anything to you.

People may very well think you’re dead. This is OK, for it prepares you against the inevitable onslaught of your enemies. If they think you are dead, they will not need to fight you.

This secret to Four-Toed Sloth stance should not be taken lightly. There is nothing light about sloths. They are seriously serious.

All.

The.

Time.

While you practice, listen to the world around you. This will let you know exactly where you are at any time. The most unique feature of this practice stance is the fact that you can do it anywhere.

Establish positions that are bound to piss off other people around you, such as – the door of a busy elevator, the bottom of an escalator, in front of the only ATM in the town or on people’s feet while they wait on packed public transport.

This will test your ability to deal with enraged enemies.

It should go without saying, but you will not make any friends using Four-Toed Sloth stance.

But you will not care, for you are sloth and none shall bother you.

Be the Four-Toed Sloth, don’t aim to be.

Next time – the final stance.