The Tao of Four-Stance Kung Fu – Ice-Cream Stance

The fourth and final stance…

Ice-Cream Stance

Delicious and deadly, Ice-Cream Stance should not be underestimated.

Training for this stance must take place in a large plastic tub inside an air-sealed room that shall be no warmer than -24C.

You cannot be in direct sunlight for longer than 30 minutes if you choose to use Ice-Cream Stance against your enemies.

Room temperature you can get away with 45 minutes, so long as there isn’t a heater on.

Air-conditioned areas can allow you approximately 52 minutes of fighting time, but no more.

Be ice-cream, don’t aim to be.

There are many flavours of ice-cream. However, Ice-Cream Stance only requires one flavour…

Destruction.

Your enemies will have no choice but to taste destruction as you deal it out, one scoop at a time.

It will taste bitter and unforgiving.

No-one will dare face your destructive dairy.

What your opponent does not understand is that within Ice-Cream Stance, there are many moves and variants that can be used to your advantage. So much so, that any opponent willing to challenge you would be foolhardy to do so, especially if you decided to engage your enemy by using Ice-Cream Stance.

There is much to say about the movement of Ice-Cream Stance, for it is paramount to the successful destruction of your enemies. This will be discussed shortly.

 The Neapolitan method of attack means there are three major types of attack you will use against your enemy – Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry. However, Strawberry is more of a diversionary tactic and will be used sparingly. But it is important to note that you cannot switch from Neapolitan method to another without using up all of your Strawberry attacks.

The primary movement variant of Ice-Cream stance looks as follows…

This variant is known as One Scoop. When you initiate this variant, you will be standing with your legs apart widely. However, should you choose to move around or move towards your opponent, this is where the importance of movement in Ice-Cream Stance comes into play.

Firstly, you must bring your legs together so that they are side by side and straight. There can be no bent knees or slouching.

Secondly, you must leap in small, but equally spaced-out bounds toward your opponent.

Thirdly – and this is the most important part – you must hold your upper body in the One Scoop variant pose while flailing the top half of your body around wildly as you are bounding toward your opponent. This is critical, for it doubles as both an attack and a diversionary tactic.

Finally, when you actually wish to strike your opponent, you will make a larger leap towards them, contorting your upper body as wildly as possible and then striking them with your head or swinging elbows.

Part of what makes Ice-Cream Stance such a success is the fact that your opponent will not know what angle your attack will be coming from and be bewildered by the sight of someone leaping towards them with their upper body flailing around wildly.

One Scoop is only the beginning, however.

The only potential drawback to One Scoop is the fact that you can only equip one flavour of attack. This will be communicated to your opponent by you shouting out exactly what it is at the time that you are about to engage in combat.

For example, you are positioned firmly in the One Scoop variant. Right before you bound toward them, you shout “Honeycomb!”

Combination or mixed flavours are allowed also.

Should you wish to change attack flavours, you can only do so after no less than three and no more than six bounds towards an opponent. Should you exceed six bounds, you have to wait until you reach no less than nine and no more than twelve bounds. The pattern carries on accordingly. However, you should never require more than fifteen bounds to defeat an opponent. If you do, then you are not worthy of using Ice-Cream Stance.

Changing attack flavours is simple. You stop in your tracks at any point that is deemed the correct time to switch. Once you have stopped, stand on one leg with your other one sticking out upright and aimed at your opponent. You must then spin clockwise three times while shouting the name of the attack flavour you wish to change to. Eg. “Boysenberry! Boysenberry! Boysenberry!” Not only will this confuse your opponent, but they will refrain from attacking you while you are spinning because there is a high chance they would get kicked.

Should your opponent ever show signs that they are adapting to your movement patterns while you are in Ice-Cream Stance, do not lose your cool. Because when ice-cream loses its cool, it is no longer ice-cream.

Be ice-cream, don’t aim to be.

Another reason why you will not lose your cool is because you can switch variants at the drop of a hat.

Two Scoop variant. One might say this is the unofficial ‘fifth’ stance of Four-Stance Kung Fu. However, it’s called Four-Stance Kung Fu because there are, well, four stances. The math is solid and simple.

Two Scoop is twice as deadly as One Scoop. You can equip single, mixed or combination flavours to each scoop without any issues.

You need not bound toward your opponent. You must, however, take alternating wide and waddling steps towards your opponent while you are slightly crouched saying the name of each flavour with each step – eg. “Mango. Tutti Frutti. Mango. Tutti Frutti.”

You can also favour one leg over another and hop towards your opponent, but you must continue to speak the name of the flavour you are currently attacking with, albeit rapidly and slightly hushed – eg. “Coffee-coffee-coffee-coffee-coffee-coffee”.

This level of flexibility with Two Scoop makes you almost impossible to defeat. Opponents will not know how to engage with you, as they will be confused about why someone keeps yelling different flavours at them while either waddling or hopping towards them.

Further studies have yet to be undertaken into the development of Ice-Cream Stance. There are at least two more possible variants, though, Dixie Cup and Bowl.

End.

I have now armed you with all the tools necessary to understand and appreciate Four-Stance Kung Fu.

Where to from here, you ask?

The sky, my worthy students…

The sky.*

*Not literally, because that would require the ability to fly. Perhaps if you were in a plane, you could be like, “Oh, maybe that’s what he meant by ‘the sky’.” But it’s not what I meant at all. It was a figurative device to say that the possibilities are endless with Four-Stance Kung Fu.**

**OK, so they’re not ‘endless’, exactly. You’re not going to suddenly become invincible or more attractive to the opposite sex. What I can guarantee, however, is that no student of Four-Stance Kung Fu has currently been defeated.***

***Not defeated in the sense that they’ve never actually been challenged to a duel or fight, because the idea of someone actually knowing or having been trained in Four-Stance Kung Fu is enough to put off any potential adversaries. Also, maybe a lot of people get Four-Stance Kung Fu confused with the actual martial art, five-stance kung fu. Further research is required for this particular point.