Yuru Kyara Grand Prix – Part 1 of 3

The title of this post is very misleading. You would not be remiss for believing that I attended some variety of race in which cars were involved, driving around a track at a blistering pace and occasionally crashing into each other.

Alas, this is Japan, where nothing is ever as it seems.

The ‘Yuru Kyara Grand Prix’ is a popularity contest for cute and cuddly mascots that represent cities, prefectures and in some cases, companies.

This is one election I actually want to vote in. I’m not sure what sort of preference schemes are involved, or whether its even possible to vote below the line, but I’m going to be gunning for the underdogs either way.

When there’s only more than 1,100 mascots to vote for, I thought it was best to showcase the ‘best of the worst’ candidates for most popular mascot in Japan. After poring over the many entrants, I decided it was best to divide my ‘best of the worst’ into three categories.

Today I present to you, in no particular order or preference…

KILL IT WITH FIRE

Meet 801 やおいちゃん (Yaoi-chan)

Right. Here’s the story of 801 Yaoi-chan. Apparently, he’s the manifestation of a girl’s obsession with Yaoi (boy love) manga in a popular manga series.

I don’t need to say anything more than that. When I first looked at 801 Yaoi-chan, I thought the 801 was the number of experiments performed on a cabbage that eventually gained self-awareness, horns and the ability to slur the words, “ur dur cerrberge” or “am cerrberge?” whenever it was confused, which probably takes up 97.5% of its conscious state, the other 2.5% consists of being hit with a shovel repeatedly which is somewhat like a state of nirvana for poor Yaoi-chan.

But no, it’s the physical manifestation of a teenage girl’s obsession with homosexuality themed manga instead…

BECAUSE THAT MAKES SENSE AND IT IS A MASCOT?

Next, I’d like to introduce you to あすたむ (Asutamu).

Google Translate thinks Asutamu means ‘Tomorrow Tam’. Asu does, in fact, mean tomorrow. However, Asutamu is the mascot for Asutamuland, which seems like a ridiculously picturesque theme park and is basically a giant water drop or teardrop whose eyes scream “put a bullet in my head, please”. Can also literally be killed with fire.

Shuffling right along to P マン (P Man)

That’s right. P-Man. That joke basically writes itself. But actually, P-Man is a peanut that was born and raised in Chiba, apparently. I’m sitting here pondering what kind of superpowers P-Man actually has. If any would-be ne’er-do-wells or the slightly criminally-inclined have a peanut allergy, they had best steer clear of Chiba.

Otherwise, he’s about as useful as a shelled peanut – good with beer or as a snack… Sans the massive dent in the forehead (most likely due to someone cracking him in the forehead with a golf club while screaming wildly) and that creepy, awkward glare.
Roasted peanut, anyone?

Moving right along to our next entrant. Remember, there are more than 1,100 of these, but I’ve handpicked the ones I thought deserved a bit more attention.

Meet テレタマクン (Teretama-kun)

In a vain attempt to understand more about this fellow, I translated his entry page. This was the result.

Character of Tele ball is “Tele ball-kun!” 
Gender … male blood type … O type 
personality … friendly care, except ironic shop a little scratch to ball 
that break the shell of your dreams …, to be a popular person 
but is still soft-boiled ones favorite phrase … …

It turns out Teretama-kun is actually a TV station mascot in Saitama. A page on the TV station website even has a news story saying ‘Smile Women’ which I can only believe is some form of publicity stunt in which hordes of screaming women are running from their lives from something that looks more like the kind of thing that chews the hopes, dreams and souls of those unlucky enough to be caught in his short, T-rex-like grip.

Let’s shuffle on over to…

ひーぽーちゃん (Hi-po-chan) or as Google Translate calls him, ‘Daddy Po heating’.Dawww. It’s a firecracker with sunflowers on it. How cute.

No. Not even. Don’t try it. Not even for a second.

Do you know how many firework festivals there are in Japan every year? At least 80-Sevenly’o’Hundreds’o’thousandth.

Hi-po-chan is forced to saunter about carrying an existential crises heftier than Sisyphus and a smile that can’t be wiped away. This cracker is cracking at the seams, it seems, and is even documenting the day-to-day droll HERE in what can only be described as the equivalent of an inmate on death row, slowly kicking time away while waiting for the inevitable – hanging out with mascot support groups, posing for photos with people who will no doubt be the instrument of his/her/its demise. Every day that passes is probably met with a sombre rendition of ‘Maybe This Time’ from Cabaret.

Please, someone light Hi-po-chan’s wick and spare us (and him/her/it) any further pain.

As we continue to drudge through this display of the downtrodden, depressed and dehumanised, we arrive at…

うずラッキー (Uzurakki)

Uzura is ‘quail’ in Japanese. Rakki is the Japanese pronunciation of ‘lucky’. So, lucky quail. Makes sense, right?

Wrong.

There is nothing lucky about this quail. Imagine walking around with a half-born quail sticking out of your scalp, affecting your motor functions, brain and voicebox. Forced to run around daily in a state of panic with no ability to remove said quail from your noggin is clearly one of the lesser-known concentric circles of hell that Dante wrote about.

For more examples of Uzurakki’s daily suffering, feel free to check out THIS site, where Uzurakki is constantly trying to communicate his plight to scores of onlookers who just sit idly by and take photos.

It doesn’t end there, folks. (Notice how I avoided making an egg pun, no matter how much I felt like it?)
Next in line is とがらし紋次郎 (Monjiro Togarashi)

It’s a freakin’ giantism-afflicted chilli with an evil smile. Put it in a curry, salad, stew or do something with it, please.

Almost at the end of this post, ladies and gents, I swear. Remember, this is part 1. There’s still so much more to come.

And now we’ve come to とろ★りん

What.

Even.

Kill this with all the fire and napalm and anything else remotely incendiary or capable of conducing flame immediately and hire at least 20 people to stomp on the ashes.

And our final entrant for this entry.

もじゃろー (Mojaro)

Nightmare fuel is an understatement. I want to kick this thing into the sun. What on earth is this? A fried egg with pieces of spring onion in it? It has no arms! Tim Burton probably eats this for lunch everyday. HR Giger would invite this over for dinner.

My inner child is weeping uncontrollably and I fear this Mojaro has the ability to time travel into the past and scare the bejeezus out of 5-year-old me.

But it’s OK, because he’s just a mascot for a chain restaurant! WHY?

Part 2 will follow once I have recovered and recuperated.