To bring you all up to speed, I spent the last week of September in Melbourne hanging out with family. After the passing of my grandfather, I made plans to travel back to Australia on the quiet so I could spend some quality time with my father and family. If you didn’t see me, or didn’t know I was back, it wasn’t personal. The only reason I was back in Melbourne was to see my family.
Onto part 2 of the Yuru Kyara Grand Prix!
OH, DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT?! is the title for this category of mascots.
Without further fussing about, feast your eyes on these forsaken furry folk.
あぶらや つぶさん (Aburaya Grain’s)
I’m not quite sure what to say about this nappy-wearing, pimped out yellow blob. And I’m not sure whether that’s supposed to be a moustache or a permanent expression of dread and fear. Imagine if it was running really fast and flapping its arms around. That would mean one of two things – a moustachioed creep wearing a nappy is very happy to see you, or a suitably terrified mascot is running around trying to dispel wha demons are occupying his soul.
こうちゃん (Kouchan)
Because nothing says love like a creepy-football-fish-cum-mascot with a love heart in its mouth. The idea that you can make a football fish ‘cute’ is so undeniably insane and equally mystifying I don’t even know where to start trying to unpack the origins of the idea.
“Hey. Let’s take a football fish and make it cute.”
“Oh, you mean the fish that sits on the floor of the ocean waiting for prey with its mouth wide open and it uses that light attached to it head as bait?”
“Yep!”
“Uh… How?”
“Love heart in its mouth. E’rrybody dance now!”
C&C Music Factory would be shocked to know that their magnum opus was used in my fantasy-driven recreation of the origins of the story of a random Japanese mascot.
そらっきー
Because nothing says ‘adorable’ like a plane that looks like it has been snorting copious amounts of cocaine and walking around trying to get hugs off everyone. Seriously, copy & paste そらっきー into Google images to see Sorakki’s daily struggle with being an aeroplane that can’t fly and wanting hugs. Not to mention the wheels that aren’t wheels at all.
たたミンくん (Tatamin-kun)
So Tatamin-kun is representing Kyoto, my other hometown. There’s no way I can start paying out on this thing. It’s just too close to home. So a Google Translate will have to suffice…
“Nishiwaki tatami rug store belongs”
Min-kun, ~ ‘s “Fairy tatami” was born to be PR to everyone around the world charm of tatami, hearthstone of the living room, the goodness of Japanese culture Tata
nap and get The – I would love to dance with Japanese sweets
..ummm. Dancing with Japanese sweets. As you were, Tatamin-kun.
葵区ＰＲキャラクター あおいくん (Aoi-kun)
Remember when an emblazoned letter ‘A’ on someone’s chest was the scarlet letter? Based on the exploits of Aoi-kun, I’m certainly hoping it will now be renamed the emerald letter. This guy hails from the Shizuoka Aoi regional ward office, in particular as a representative of their administration division. I’m not making this stuff up. It writes itself. I just have to present the information to you, dear readers. And I might as well go ahead and include these on the rest of the entrants, the Google Translate results…
Aoi-ku and raised in Aoi-ku born!
♪ I love Oden or over, football is each poem favorite food
fun is full of Aoi and the District of skiing in Aoi-ku Igawa street performers World Cup and Shizuoka Festival, in winter! Become a Aoi-ku love kid with me!
..please do not become an Aoi-ku love kid with him. In the name of all that is holy and unholy and anywhere inbetween, do NOT do that.
プチボザウルス (Puchibozaurusu)
Puchibozaurusu hails from Fukuoka. Neither of those words are made up, by the way. Translation stations ahoy!
idle Petit button Zaurus Kitakyushu City Council of Social Welfare, which was born to support tiny “, the volunteer activities” just a little! I have to support everyone, the “Puchibo” of favorite food is smiling children!
Yep. Giant green creature with no arms and a ridiculously wide-open mouth feeds on smiling children. That somehow equals social welfare.
Smiling.
Children.
Being.
Eaten.
Equals.
Social.
Welfare.
Oh, Japan…
You just get me sometimes. Well, most of the time. Actually, all of the damn time.
ブラック番長 (Black Bancho or Black Gang Leader)
You know what we severely lack these days? Squids in black leather jackets wearing black sunglasses holding cooking utensils that could very well lead to their own demise. Comin’ straight outta Niigata, Black Bancho is one bad-arse squid, ready to ink any damn fool who steps to. Repre-squid! Check yo’ cephalopod before you wreck yo’ cephalopod. This is one gangster you can call spineless and its anatomically correct to do so.
And of course, the translation.
“Good party affiliation Mon ITOIGAWA”
! black to the mouth of all the people in Itoigawa black chow mein “all-black system tooth” is daze target
support Best regards ~ (▼ ▼ 3) ♪ ■ Twitter @ bantyou96
So there’s a Twitter handle for all y’all to follow, if you want to follow a gangster squid mascot. Who wouldn’t?!
Wait… Black to the mouth?! What does that even mean? Moving right along.
The final entry for this penultimate portrayal of the Yuru Kyara Grand Prix is none other than…
トイレくん (Toirekun – literally Toilet-kun)
Look, you don’t really need the translation for this. The picture speaks for itself. It’s a damn toilet. In Yokohama City on November 10th, it is officially the day of the toilet. This is where Toilet-kun (kun suffix is usually attached to a boy’s name) was born. I’ve never seen a receptacle so receptive to receiving waste. Look at that smile.
But something gives me pause about this character. At first, the kun suffix didn’t bother me too much. But then I decided to break down the picture a bit more. This is the kind of misogynistic filth that needs to be addressed. The toilet seat is up, people. To top it off, the only mention of anything female is on the slippers that you wear to the toilet here. I say poo to that. And there’s a handle! Of all the miscalculations and misrepresentations of toilets I’ve encountered in my life, this one takes the urinal cake. If my time in Japan has taught me anything, it’s rare that any toilets actually have handles.
Go flush yourself, Toilet-kun, and all that you stand for shall follow you to the murky depths of the sewer system, I hope.
Part 3 of my coverage on the less-than-likely to win mascots in the Yuru Kyara Grand Prix will be with you sooner rather than later, I promise.