Ranting, Twilight, Ladyboner, Tenebrae, BBQ

After managing to pump out four rant-based entries last week I was feeling quite chuffed with my creative side as the week was winding down. I’m not entirely convinced that ranting works for me as a writing style, though. The creative method I employed was very different to how I approach these ‘standard-issue’ entries. Much more inflection, a lot less reflection.

I have often let it be known that I despise all that exists about the Twilight series. I’ve never gone out of my way to read or watch any of it because I wrote the entire series off once I heard that vampires could walk around in daylight. The problem with openly conveying such an unjustified and irrational level of contempt for a highly successful franchise? Well, I’ve received the following…

1. Bella and Edward Keychain
2. T-shirt with Edward scrawled across the bottom and R-Patts going all vogue with the remaining 90% of the space.
3. Twilight tote bag
4. Twilight card game
5. Edward wall scroll

And the most recent addition to the unwanted Twilight-related swag I currently have…

6. Twilight: Eclipse board game (that was wrapped in Twilight wrapping paper, which has been saved so I can used it as wallpaper should I choose to – it’s the thought that counts, no?)

This has been a running joke for three years now. My friends are so very, very lucky that I have a sense of humour. They should also be aware that I have a developed quite a penchant for revenge. Consider thee warned, peddlers of sparkly vampire-related non-gifts!

There were a couple of things I forgot to mention in my entry ‘Conflict, Imbibing and Lavender’ – namely imbibing and lavender. Lavender was actually in reference to the film I prattled on about endlessly, The Little Girl Who Conquered Time.

The imbibing part was a night that was spent with two of my closest friends drinking and talking at a small pub in Richmond called The Royston. Great little pub with an amazing selection of craft and smaller brewery beers. My brother-in-law got in on the action later in the evening and I have to say that it had been a while since I had a quiet evening out with mates. Good times. Sitting around and shooting the shit for several hours

Midweek was my only foray into the Melbourne Fringe Festival so far, attending my dear friend Lisa-Skye’s show Ladyboner. After seeing her light up the stage with ..Is Not Like Other Boys I was curious to see what Lisa-Skye had to offer up this time around. True-to-form and very funny, for 45 minutes she took a look at pleasure and basically said, “Hey, don’t judge. Just do what makes you feel good.” And without the slightest hint of bias I can attest to the fact that Lisa-Skye is just a genuinely funny person with great stage presence – you’d be surprised how many comedians have neither of these things.

Movies always seem to make up at least some part of my week, this week was no different.

Wu Xia

For some strange reason, the title of this film has been re-dubbed as Swordsmen for the English release. After the watching the film, I’m none the wiser as to why that is. The film itself though is steeped in mystery. A small-town paper mill worker kills two bandits (one famous) while they were trying to steal from the general store. The detective investigating the crime is of the opinion that the paper mill worker is actually a martial artist and the film takes the viewer back-and-forth between martial artist/paper mill worker until the truth is revealed. This narrative device was handled really well in Wu Xia. Donnie Yen and Takeshi Kaneshiro star.


One slice of the pizza that is the Italian Film Festival that’s currently being held is Melbourne is a focus on the films of Dario Argento. Yes, I can take the piss out of my own heritage, if you have a problemo with this, fuori de la balle! Being somewhat of a fan of cinema, I know of his style and contributions to the horror genre, but I’d never really gone out of my way to watch many of his films. When a friend suggested we go and see Tenebrae, how could I say no? The film itself is really entertaining, even now. It also confirmed that his offerings to the horror genre have been mimicked to a point where it can only be considered flattery. A large part of the entertainment value is due to the fact that the film has aged the only way a good horror can – plenty of schlock and plenty of fake blood that result in laugh out loud moments. (I wasn’t actually going to write LOL moments, because that would just insult you, dear reader.) And I haven’t even began to touch on his portrayal of women… Or what very well could be mistaken as the lead character in the film, Marion’s areola (played by the definition of voluptuous – Mirella Banti – like, I’m pretty sure if you looked up voluptuous in a dictionary it would say see: Mirella Banti, 1982).

Post-film I bumped into a very sexy man and have to write this line so he doesn’t hurt me to remind myself to organise a catch-up with him and an equally sexy (but dressed in black) man.

Green Lantern

This was received pretty poorly by most audiences. I can see why, but I didn’t think it was terrible. It just scraped a passing grade, but overall it felt like it was wasted potential. You easily could have cut out 40-odd minutes worth of the running time and made it a much more compact and entertaining film. I’m not entirely convinced Ryan Reynolds was the best choice to play Hal Jordan. The biggest problem was that it played it too safe to introduce the character to a broad audience – you know what’s coming now… Tragedy during childhood years leads to a brash and carefree youth – convenient divine intervention results in the protagonist becoming a reluctant hero – protagonist must face own inability (be it perceived or actual) in order to overcome obstacle – evil threat presents itself and must be overcome by the protagonist at any cost – throw in a love interest for good measure – childhood ‘rival’ – and so on = Hero: The Movie.

To be honest, if the ability to create anything your imagination could conceive was given to a guy who was a cocky pilot, I think he would create five things only…

1. Anything, but it would strictly resemble some sort of phallic symbol
2. Kenny Loggins
3. Men showering, but strictly as ‘blokes’
4. Aviators
5. Cheesy catchphrases

Over the weekend, another epic BBQ session was planned… I arrived much later in the picture and after finishing work an hour later than I had wanted to, couldn’t really summon up the gusto to partake and imbibe myself into a state of drunken bliss.

This is the first time this has happened in a while and I’m not quite sure whether it’s a reflection of how my general state of fatigue is increasing toward the tail-end of this year OR my interest in drinking is decreasing… Only time will tell.

More Dr Awful was consumed, though, two shots of Jim Beam to one can of Dr Pepper. It’s becoming my drink ‘o choice. While drinking might not have featured heavily (for me, at least), conversations about Chuck Norris, Cherry-flavoured shisha and the chance to catch up with a good group of people did.

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