The Tao of Four-Stance Kung Fu – Tenet of Meditation

The first nugget of wisdom I pass on to any potential student in the deadly art of my Four-Stance Kung Fu is very simple.

Be – don’t aim to be.

Consider the chestnut. It is a humble nut. It does not want to attract the almond, for the almond is petty and has nipples. The chestnut is jealous of the cashew. But why? It is not an attractive nut. The chestnut does not know, it only knows that it wants to be the cashew.

Reflect on this. There is much to learn from the chestnut.

Find your inner nut. Polish it until it reflects the essence of your inner soul into a pond of ginger, nutmeg and soy milk.

Clear your mind. Clean your mind. Close your mind. Clutter your mind. Control your mind. Cleave your mind.

You are now approaching a state worthy of considering how to meditate to engage with Four-Stance Kung Fu.

There’s a dragon. It is angry. Do you see it? What do you do? It doesn’t like you. You parked in its driveway by accident and it was late for work. There is a solution, yet it is not present. While it may not be present, you can actively seek its whereabouts.

Mmm. Yes… Ponder.

Free your mind of necessity. Fill it with candy. For a joyous martial artist is an effective one.

The clarity you seek is as murky as a public swimming pool. There are many people in them. And they do things in there that are not sanitary, yet we all splash about like it does not matter. But it does. It really, really does.

The four stances are legendary. Peer to none. No-one has ever defeated a pupil of Four-Stance Kung Fu. They shall be revealed to you in due time, for it is the patient meerkat that reaps the rewards, as the other inquisitive ones are too busy trying to look at things with serious intent.

Patience is key to practising Four-Stance Kung Fu.

You may never fight an opponent.

Vigilant you must remain.

Prepared.

Always.

Bon Jovi.

Find a waterfall. This is where you will practice Four-Stance Kung Fu. It can be nowhere else except the front of a waterfall. Large water features at shopping centres are also acceptable, but they must be at least 10ft in height.

Nature dictates that a harmonious balance must be maintained in order to achieve the truest sense of growth and development. Yet it seems that it is always burgeoning toward conflict. It is in the very precious middle ground where your mind must reside. Are you friend, or foe? You are neither – you are foefriend – and you have invited your mind over for brunch.

Allow your mind to flutter about like a corn husk in a sandstorm.

Be – don’t aim to be.

Loosen your body as if it were spaghetti falling from a colander. But it’s OK, the five-second rule applies in this instance.

Twist yourself into a ball like a scrunched up piece of paper, for you will need to get used to being in uncomfortable positions to truly master the art of Four-Stance Kung Fu. Throw yourself into a small bin, preferably by jumping into it from a far distance to let yourself think you’re really good at basketball if you weren’t acting like a scrunched up piece of paper. For it is in the mindset of the scrunched up piece of paper that universal truths are acknowledged.

Grunt at strangers. This is your method of communication now. Inflection of grunts is allowed to express concern, to agree or to proclaim something that may require such elocution. The utterance of a word, no matter how small, is directly against the beliefs of Four-Stance Kung Fu. You are now only allowed to make onomatopoeic noises to exacerbate the already awesome nature of the moves contained within the four stances. ‘Whooshes’ are acceptable. ‘Ka-cha’ is another I am fond of. ‘Pa-tang’ should be used only when dismissing a foe. To ‘pa-tang’ at any point prior to defeating an enemy is brash, foolhardy and sure to lead to your swift demise.

‘Kerr-bang’, ‘fah-schwah’, ‘shh-cah-cah’ and ‘this-is-your-death-embrace’ are ones to keep in mind also.

Absorb the nonsensical cacophony of your being like a sponge would draw in melted ice-cream.

Then squeeze it out into a bowl and eat it. You have defeated your mind, and your path is now true. Carry on, my wayward son. (Or daughter – Four-Stance Kung Fu knows not what ‘sex’ or ‘gender’ is)

You have defeated your mind.

You have defeated your body.

You have defeated communication.

Now it is time to defeat your everything.

Go to your waterfall. Sit with your legs crossed and arms resting outwards at your side with your thumbs pressed against your index and middle finger so that it looks like you are gesturing for more money.

Close your eyes and allow serenity to wash over your face.

And it is here that I shall reveal the true nature of meditation for Four-Stance Kung Fu.

And soon, the four stances shall be revealed…

Notes: This is the first piece in a series of five I plan on writing. This is me throwing words at a page and seeing what sticks, basically. This wasn’t hard or difficult to write, which is why I’m keen to write more.

After all the recounting of the road trip and drawing on memories, descriptions and ‘in-the-moment’ stuff, I think I just needed to purge a whole lot of random stuff out of the cluttered nonsense that sometimes occupies my head.

I also recently took part in a stand-up comedy competition. If you’re keen on checking that out (if you haven’t already seen it) – you can click HERE and watch that. It was a lot of fun and I’m currently working on more material. Stay tuned.