The Tao of Four-Stance Kung Fu – Wombat Stance

Now that you know how to meditate for Four-Stance Kung Fu, it is time you practice your first stance…

Wombat Stance

A wombat is a barrel of purified anger.

Be wombat – don’t aim to be.

Like the wombat, you must channel all of your anger and become a staunch and immovable force. Then, and only then, can you appreciate the nature of the wombat.

Hiss at your opponent. This will strike fear into their hearts, giving you an upper hand before blows have been exchanged. Do not hiss without being truly intense. Clench your teeth and hiss so voraciously that spittle builds up at the sides of your mouth.

A half-hearted attempt at hissing is sure to lead to a quick defeat at the hands of your enemy, for it may appear that you are simply trying to get their attention – and get it you shall – with a foot to your face. The wombat would never accept this humiliation.

Wombats can travel at speeds up to 40km/h. This means they are perfectly acceptable to ride in school zones between 2:30pm and 4:00pm on a school day.  But as an attack, hitting your opponent with your head at 40km/h should disorient them enough for you to claw at them with your sharp and pointy claws.

If you do not have sharp and pointy claws, you cannot be wombat. Acquire some, either by growing your nails very long and sharpening them, or attach crude utensils to your fingers. Do not use workplace utensils, as people will describe this action as ‘selfish’ and you may get a written warning from HR. Fools. And do not point at objects too frequently once you have acquired claws, for there is a chance you may get sued for inadvertently blinding a passer-by.

I shall now speak of the secret attack. You can burrow now that you are wombat. Burrow a hole deep enough for you to hide in. Once your opponent crosses your path, leap out of your burrow and swiftly dispose of them. The likelihood of this attack being successful is relative to the chance percentage of your opponent coming across your burrow and not noticing it. Roll some die and combine your score, plus 3 for Stealth, add/subtract likelihood of hibernation (no lower than -2, no greater than +2) versus 13 for your attacker.

Burrows are also good for winter. Should another student of Four-Stance Kung Fu try to enter your burrow, you can choose one of two options – offer them tea (provided you have a kitchen in your burrow) and explain to them calmly that they have mistakenly accessed your burrow or mark your territory by pissing on the back of their left knee. Ensure it is the left knee. Pissing on the back of the right knee is considered to be a gesture of goodwill.

The secret to the secret attack is the gesture on your face. It must look exactly like this.

When you are wombat, you are stubborn. You will go through an opponent instead of around them. They will feel the full extent of your wombat prowess as you charge at full speed toward them.

Wombats can go through doors and walls if required to do so. You too student, must perfect this art of the wombat.

If you wish to engage with your opponent on a more even keel, to give them false hope of defeating you, awkwardly waddle toward them. This is known as ‘neutral wombat’. From ‘neutral wombat’, there are several methods with which you may want to engage your opponent.

Offensive Techniques

Head Butt – the standard attack that should be mastered by all. Chance to stun, high. Chance to cause headache to you, even higher.

Bite – secondary attack that can be feinted into from a head butt. Deadly when not a nibble.

Scratch-and-Run – swipe furiously at your opponent and then run in the opposite direction, they will give chase, but you shall not tire before they do, giving you the upper hand when they catch up. (Must be fit)

Defensive Techniques

Shoulder Roll – do not underestimate the usefulness of dodging your opponents attack by employing the use of a shoulder roll. First, you must waddle toward your opponent and then droop one shoulder significantly lower than the other – pause – and then slowly roll onto that shoulder and to the side of your opponent. They’ll never see it coming, and you will have the upper hand.

Somersault – the use of a forward or backward somersault should not be dismissed as child’s play. Waddle toward your opponent. Drop forward and roll towards them, catching them unawares, and allowing you to launch into an attack. By waddling towards your opponent and engaging in a backward somersault, you can create enough distance to use your 40km/h charge attack.

Burrow – should you feel that your opponent may overwhelm you, did a burrow and hibernate. Your opponent will have left after a few hours, but you have months to sleep and train underground. Because you are still in the vicinity of the challenge, you win by default.

Now we shall analyse the stance itself.

The replication of this stance by anyone who is not a pupil of Four-Stance Kung Fu shall be met with an exaggerated tut. Embarrassment shall overcome you. None of your friends will return your texts or calls. For serious.

It is clear that the master is about to unleash the charge attack.

Notice the symmetry and stiffness of the arms. They are equal so that the flow of chi is equally distributed between the left and right arm and across the stiffened shoulders and neck. Poised for destruction.

The legs are primed for a launch, while there is a slight overreliance on the right-hand side, no-one has ever attempted a left-hand side charge attack (with good reason) and the facial expression is anger personified. Your opponent shall know fear when you are ready to unleash.

Once you are ready to attack, drop your shoulders and head and charge forth at an unrelenting speed.

Victory shall be yours with wombat stance.