You have mastered meditation and wombat stance. Now it is time to master the next stance.
Lemur Stance
Lemur Stance is swift and unforgiving. There is no room for error, because you leave no room for your enemy to attack. Relentless rapid strikes are the key to harnessing the raw fury of Lemur Stance.
You are an endangered species, so you must fight like one. Every encounter with an enemy is a threat to the survival of your race.
Be the lemur.
Your tail must be used for balance and grabbing items that can be used as weapons.
If you do not have a tail, grow one.
If you cannot grow one, attach one to your coccyx bone. Now you must practice wiggling your bottom to master the control of your tail. With time, you shall control your tail like a snake charmer would a cobra on a busy Sunday at a bazaar.
Move to a tree. This is your home if you intend on mastering Lemur Stance. Abandon clothes and embrace your wild lemur.
Strip bark from your tree to build up strength in your claws.
Your diet will now consist of small insects, berries, nuts and leaves.
Wide-eyed you must chew each portion of food, reckless with fervor.
If you are about to engage an enemy, you must work up a sweat first. Then you must rub your tail on your sweaty armpits and curve your tail so that it sits above your head, so that the smell wafts toward your enemy to warn them that you mean business.
This is a stink fight and it is the first rule of engagement of Lemur Stance.
The next most important thing is your stare. Stare down your opponent like so.
While your enemy’s feet are locked by your stare, catch them unaware with a lunging attack.
Whatever you do, you must ensure you do not leap at your opponent like this.
For this kind of dalliance with Lemur Stance is far too fancy-free and other lemurs shall mock you.
All of a sudden, you will not be invited to lemur parties. You may have to forage for the winter on your own. Other lemurs will hush whispers and gossip behind your back. Lemurs of the opposite sex will no longer consider you as appropriate mating material. You will also not be considered for a role in ‘Madagascar 5: Yes, We’re Really Still Doing the CGI-Animated Animal Thing’.
As soon as you hear as much as a whisper about you, you must launch into a frenzied attack, for this is an acceptable response. Even if the other lemur was commenting on something as innocent as the weather, you must re-establish your dominance.
Much like there is no room for family, friends or a coffee table in your tree, there is no room for error in Lemur Stance.
If you wish to namby-pamby about, become the widely-acknowledged lesser counterpart to the lemur, the capuchin monkey.
Do not attempt to be a lemur, for you are not made of lemur should namby-pambying about be on your to-do list.
Diversionary tactics are your enemy of your friend’s enemies, but not a second cousin. Employ them because they know someone in your company, not because they are skilled for the position. You will use them for about 9 months, and then realise things are not working out. I am still talking about diversionary tactics.
Someone challenges you. Look surprised. Act surprised. But you are not surprised. Like this.
This diversionary tactic is officially known as the “Oh, no she dihn’t!”
Other lemurs will pretend to hold you back from goin’ all gangsta. Your foe will think they have bested you at this point.
Not.
So.
Fast.
.
.
.
Foe.
You will now release an attack so furtive, so ferociously fleet – of feet and fist – your foe will have no choice but to forfeit.
Fight?
Fin.
Darwin had it all wrong. Prove this to him by laying a foundation of fists so fast, he devolves into Homo Erectus. In fact, any historical figure ever that has doubted the constitution of the lemur should be treated similarly.
The only caveat to this instruction is that you must encounter them in the street, even if they are deceased. Once you have encountered them, you must inform them that you are a student of Four-Stance Kung Fu and they must face you in mortal combat. Mortal Kombat is not an acceptable substitute.
Should said historical figure accept your duel, you must establish the upper hand by initiating the second lemur glare.
This steely gaze is not to be confused with the first. No, this stare is much different.
Behold. You are not even looking at your opponent. You are looking straight through them, as if to say, “I’m already thinking about those sweet berries I’m going to be eating after I’ve disposed of you.” Your opponent shall be overcome with fear, anxiety, and may well empty their bowels when faced with this stare.
This is what Willis was talkin’ bout.
You have seen the essential techniques of Lemur Stance. But you must train hardily and without complaint, especially in the area of balance. At your waterfall, this is how you must stand.
Your brow must be as furrowed – if not more furrowed – than this. This encapsulates how intense you are. The intensity of your brow furrow must burn brighter than the sun when you are using a magnifying glass on an ant. Your enemy is the ant. You are the sun and the universe coming down on them with all your magnified might.
You are pre-lunging attack, but also ready to engage several enemies at once. Your claws are stretched out, ready to scratch the eyes out of anyone willing to come close to you. Master your balance. Master Lemur Stance. Master your life.
The lessons of Lemur Stance are not to be taken lightly. Tread softly, cautious lemur.